Being Perceived As A Person...While Being a Black Woman

In a recent therapy session, I told my black female therapist that I find myself specifically situated in a middle ground of perception especially when it comes to dating. I told her that I am not the stereotype of femininity. I have had to be a strong black woman for my own safety and strides forward. When you are both black AND woman you are completely unprotected by all except (mostly) fellow black women. 

I have found myself upset that I was placed in this unprotected box and left out of the social strata of heterosexual women altogether. Being ousted as a protected (black) woman is a tale as old as time. It was the creation of the Trans-Atlantic Slave trade and the Jim Crow South that formulated the mechanisms for that lack of protection that exists today. When you are selling family members it is very important to dehumanize them so that you cannot feel the pain of human separation. When you are trying to keep those you own in line you must emasculate men from their "duty" of protecting their families. The stereotypical patriarchy of protection for the vulnerable (created by the same system) must be publicly restricted and bastardized loudly. Not only can a black man not protect the women he loves but he must watch them be sexually assaulted or do so himself. What does it mean to defile a woman against the protection of a man in this system? It is often used as a mechanism of control in the barbarous elements of war. A sign of disrespect and a public shaming. 

In this context, it is easy to separate the two. To romanticize the bodies of black women and sexualize them to be inherently promiscuous, not used promiscuously. This creates the separation of black women from their bodies. One either strongly denies and attempts to be of the ultimate moral character or believes the lie and reclaims autonomy by using her body on her terms and not of others. The lie has been integrated into the norms of these women. The separation solidified in thought of what is as opposed to what was created. 

For men, you must distance your emotional connection to women that you may have to watch defiled or be forced to sexually assault for power, control, or "breeding'. If the act of sex is as close as you are allowed to get to closeness and connection, how does that translate over time? How does that pass down? To watch the patriarchy of european/white men. Their ownership of greed, their power over subjugated white women (no mention of the resistance of these women to this setup), to go where they please and be whatever they want. Watching this time-stamped norm and how you are left out of this category although you are a "man" creates envy. So you desire this status. The age called for subjugated women that are provided and protected for by men while they stayed home "taking care of house and kids". In this fantasy, it feels like the ultimate desire except the visual of where their own women lie in this fantasy is completely ignored. It may also be that the lack of "poise" or euro standards of the light and feminine found in black women renders them invisible in this fantasy. With this in mind not only is the life of white men admirable but the masculine/feminine dynamic with white women is included. Odd as it is that also the attempts at dating white women or even proximity calls for the death of the black man but even in today's society that fantasy persists.

I often question if this emotional distance from slavery has caused some of the disconnect in modern times. Has the sexual wanting from white men that led to the lies of promiscuity and unworthiness of black women crafted the current ideals of black women in the eyes of black men? Why does it seem like the lies told by white men about the greatness of white women (though they often did not respect or care much for them) and the lies told about black women (though they lusted HEAVILTY for black women) are the basis for how black women are treated today? To black men, we are a reminder of subjugated status. They believed and repeated the lies about our character. They have emotionally distanced themselves from us but see the white male hollow protecting and providing as all we deserve because that's the main thing we must be missing in the formulated low status we have been given. Why does it also seem that with great elevation to 'male white stature' (aka 'success') the lust for what was so far removed from their grasp (white women) gets stronger with the so-called 'access' that this white male 'success' provides? Is it a coincidence that white women feel like the epitome of femininity to black men, hence continued comparisons of why black women are lesser directly TO black women? Is it the way they were upheld as the standard and as inaccessible to black men when they were emasculated that now makes them so appealing? This added to the emotional disconnect from black women (that was then necessary but is not now) seems to be a post-traumatic slave syndrome outcome. It also raises questions as to why black men are so attracted to white women who used their bodies as their escape from the bondage of womanhood? To hand out the harshest of punishments, to use them physically for the myth of their sexual prowess (most likely created to demonize them from the attraction of white women) when white husbands could or would not, to use them as a 'wolf' to cry to see how white men rally for you even if that cry was a lie as amusement (and affirmation of 'care' or 'protection') in this lower status.

Why can't black men and women get along? Is there a gender war? Why does being (or trying to be) in a black relationship feel like a fight for life? Could it be that these concepts were not cleared out and discussed? I think we never got to have the conversations. Black women feel completely unprotected by black men and rightfully so. They aren't. Actually, it must be the good old lie of sexual deviance by the cognitive dissonance of sexually obsessed white men that has black men as the main perpetrators of violence against black women. They told you we weren't much, forced you not to protect, forced you to watch us be assaulted and to yourselves assault, dangled 'better options' in your face, and made you an empty vessel in our homes. What could this devaluation cause? Could it be the current cause of harm to women still committed to only dating those who don't see or value them the same? Are we still begging black men to see us as they did before they were forced (or emotionally had) to leave us unprotected? Are they still begging for emotional safety they couldn't get from mothers they were ripped from and women they may have had to let or enact sexual and physical harm to?

Who is right and who is wrong? We are both valid in our feelings and at fault. Yes, we are both right and wrong, equally. 

In this climate of black men with podcasts degrading and devaluing black women in EVERY single way and black women with YouTube channels giving advice on how to divest from dating black men, this is my dating climate. With black men in jail or not educated. With black women as the StrongBlackWoman trope out of necessity (because who is gonna help her if we aren't protected) and then blamed for her masculinity (an obvious necessity because again...who else is going to do it) and for the mythology of her inferiority. Can you imagine being left in the dust to fend for yourself AND at the exact same time blamed for it and told that is why you are undesirable? What the fuck is that about?

With black women educated in droves and wanting educated black men but the numbers don't add up. With black men figuring out where to place their emotions when taught to be hollow (and also being taught a woman's job is to fill that emptiness). We are in some crazy times. And in the shadows of these huge issues, you see me, fighting for my goddamn life. lol

I think about these things a lot. Being in a space in the Northeast that cries multiculturalism but finds you in more white spaces than not and having to navigate your needs/wants for a black life in those places. It has been a doozy. When you are in a place that puts all the coloreds in one area per town/city.... you see most of what you gonna see. The online dating eventually has you seeing so many of the same people for so many years you ask if they may be the issue but remember you are there too. Many times, I wanted to swipe just to say hi since it feels like we know each other now. lol

It has been dark waters out here trying to navigate with a forced sense of self. I have 'worked' on myself for years with all the alone time I was afforded (not of my choosing). I have assessed my positionality in my sexcapades and how my self-esteem got me in those places. I have tried to look at experts and advice on the best practices of communication. I read books on what my issues are. I have been 'focusing on me' so much I might just be tired of myself. I tend to place myself as the blame in every situation so that I may work on the wrong I must have done or been in those situations. My therapist told me recently that it just might be them and not you and that's okay. My self-esteem may be getting me in the room but once there I may be entrenched in their shitpile, not mine. But I must still acknowledge that I entered the room knowing there may be a slight risk, even if unforeseen. 

I told my therapist in this session I mentioned earlier that my struggles with the concept of femininity and my positionality to queer friend groups have rendered me in a tough place of labeling. I am not girly enough. This has been an issue since childhood. It is now a norm but stems from complete discomfort in my body. I do not like being forced to be this hypersexual person on any grounds that are not entirely my own. I do not like for those to see or comment on any sexual functions. As a person who was harassed as a kid for my highly developed body parts (fucking D cup in 6th grade and goddamn DD in 7th grade) I do not like them being commented on. I was asked by TWO separate men to touch, see, and feel. It was very weird. From then on, I was wearing oversized clothes. I didn't like how people's eyes on my body felt. I still don't. I want to get out of that, but I genuinely do not like it. I prefer to be seen as the person I am intellectually or based on character. Attraction is nice, thank you, but after that ion need it. I do however wear carnival costumes and go to Soca parties as my time to feel physically comfortable ON MY OWN TERMS. 

Almost every friend I have is queer. They have said they mistook me for a lesbian as have strangers. This has me in a tight spot. It reminds me of where I live physically. I am in the black part of Hamden, CT on the VERY south end of it. Right near New Haven. CT. A literal stoplight away. To Hamden, we are just New Haven negroes. To New Haven, we are QUITE LITERALLY not part of that town, which is valid.... we aren't. But we are so close and even spilled over from the area that we are in thought. (My grandmother's family came during the great migration to work at the Winchester gun factory literal blocks away. They lived a block from my house on what was one of the deadliest streets in New Haven.) Proximity, overlap, but completely different. That is where I land. I do not believe in a lot of patriarchal concepts, but I do only like cisgender heterosexual men. I may wear sweats and loose clothes, but I still identify wholly as a cis-gender heterosexual woman. I may have 50+ piercings, but they are ancestrally driven and inspired, not a marker of an orientation different from my own. How do you separate yourself without offending the ideas that exist for both? Is it possible that both sides are the same in their strict definitions of who and what? I have asked myself often, does it make me a bad person to support one community but not consider myself a part of it? Does it make me completely excluded to consider stereotypical markers of admittance stupid? Where do I land when I simply consider myself one but not the other but perceived as the opposite?

Whew, how does this all factor into dating, chile? Hmmm. It has made dating a fucking nightmare. I often say to my therapist I understand ALL of this. I am considerate, communicative, and respectful (unless I need to be something else). In dating, I am only interested in cis-gender heterosexual BLACK men. Yes, I am aware this alone sounds stressful. But I was cursed with this love of black men, nonetheless. I am aware of the histories we hold in relationship to each other. I consider the stereotypes and historical lies. I do not like speaking about gender roles (though many of them have that as a permanent idea in their knapsack). I do not necessarily like taking a wide range of dating advice. I have asked these men who they are, what does a relationship look like (what have they dreamed of), how they wanted it to feel, how they wanted to be in partnership, how they saw a woman coming into their lives, how they wanted to both BE treated and treat HER, etc. Baby, I asked what I thought was simple until I realized they have no goddamn clue. No judgment but I have been gaslit into believing I am an issue and just do not know how to be a woman when I considered THEM more than many other women have or would. I asked who they WERE not just what they did or had. I asked, since they were so clear on what they wanted, what exactly that was and how both who I was and who they dreamed of were similar, if at all. I do not mind not being their person. It's just annoying being the only one to know and the only one to care enough to give them space to find it.

I just want to know who someone is and have them know me. None of the theatrics of dress, small talk, etc. The catholic standard of marriage counseling before marriage to me sounds like the best (and maybe only) good thing I've seen them come up with. lol

What does it mean to KNOW and be KNOWN? Is my gender all that you see? Am I simply a woman to fill that emotional hole or do you see ME? And the same goes for the reverse. I don't mind baggage, we all have it, but I do so appreciate getting to look into the bag to let you know what I will and won't or can't accept. And I want someone to do the same to me. Are you emotionally mature enough to create our OWN thing or am I going to continue to be measured against fairytales? I think men bought into them just as much as women did. 

In the context of a black relationship, can you look past what white folks have told you about me to see they were wrong? Can I do the same? Can we accept that black trauma will be the third wheel, and we need to make space to care for her too? Are you willing to see that this is hard because of THEM and not because of us? Are you committed to raising kids that love more and better as black people, with black people, and for black people? 

Maybe I'm too idealistic. I just feel too rooted in my blackness to be uprooted into a vast pit of darkness with no flashlight. If you lead me into the unknown together and we can't make a fire to light our way I am NOT feeling for the walls as we walk blind. 

I want to be seen as a person. As black. As traumatized but working on it. As a cisgender heterosexual woman but not exclusively the stereotype of my gender. As a deeply loving person wanting to love. As willing to FIGHT together but not struggle with. And I am tired of constantly being told by all parties that I deserve less.